Shattered

My chronic illness struggle isn't a new one.  8 solid years of pain, nausea, blood tests, scopes, try this, change that, no answers.  8 years and you would think I had adapted more to the unexpected. 

I'm sitting tonight curled up in pain on my parents' couch.  I wasn't planning on being here.  I was supposed to go to my sister's play tonight.  I spent all day excited to see my sweet sister chase her passions on stage, see her talents shine and see her do what she loves best. I was excited to go to dinner.  To laugh with my family and feel a little normal after a busy week at work.  

And then, halfway to my house, my chronic illness decided to rear its ugly head.  I was in tears as I drove, praying I could just make it home and take some medicine.  Sharp, shooting pains.  Waves of nausea. Wishing I could be anywhere that wasn't Redwood Road as I drove further and further from my apartment, from my sweatpants, from anything and everything that helps me survive a bad flare up.  

I had to skip the play.  I had to yet again cancel on someone I love.  Once again sending an "I'm so sorry but..." text.  Hoping and praying that I haven't let her down because I couldn't be there tonight.  

It gets harder and harder to make plans. To buy tickets to movies or plays or concerts. To commit to being at someone's reception, or birthday party, or have lunch plans.  I want to sit in the back, or on an aisle so that when my body breaks down, I can escape easily.  I plan my meals around whether or not I have time after I eat for my body to decide if it will behave or not. 

I wish I could say that I am optimistic every day that I will find answers.  That things will work themselves out and that this doctor or that one will find something that is a cure for the pain I'm in.  But tonight, I just don't have those words. My optimism is broken as I try to process another night of pain ahead of me.

Tomorrow, things will look up.  Next week, I head to another doctor to try new medicines. But tonight, I just feel a little shattered. 

To any of you who might visit my small corner of the internet and feel that same shattered feeling sometimes, please know that I see you.  I know your struggle and my heart is with you. 

To any of you who have never felt that shattered feeling, take time tonight to feel some compassion for someone, seen or unseen, who has felt that way.  Know that we are here.  We push through the bad days and usually look fine, but we thrive on your loving, solid presence. 

Send some love to someone you care about today.  Help them feel a little less shattered, a little more supported, and a lot more loved.