Weary

I hesitate to even post this because I know there are so many people who have things so much worse than I do.  Cancer, infertility, miscarriage, losing loved ones.  And I just have this dumb chronic illness that has taken over my life.

I'm just weary.  I'm bone tired.  I feel like for every step forward I make I stumble ten backwards again.  I feel like a royal screw up most days.  I can't stop living in this month long crisis cycle with my health.  Every time I feel like I've got the pain or nausea managed, something else pops up.  I've had like 4 ovarian cysts rupture just this week. Nothing seems to be going right.

Mostly, I feel like an already crunched up fall leaf.  Not one of the ones on the tree, still vibrant with color.  Nope, one that is on the ground, already crunched.

I usually try so hard to be positive. To find the good in a person, a situation, a trial.

But tonight, I'm just so weary.  I've been struggling through survival mode and can't remember what a normal health day feels like anymore.

I hope. I hope that someday soon I'll find some relief.  I hope that I survive the holidays this year without restarting this cycle all over again.  I hope I'm doing a good enough job at my job to be an asset instead of a liability.  I hope that one day this will all make sense.

Maybe you've been in my shoes.  Maybe you're walking this path tonight too.  Whatever the case may be, I just want you to know, I feel for you.  I hope this weary walk is a short one for you.  That one day soon you'll find your sense of normal, your sense of peace again.  Whoever you are, wherever you are, I get it.

Here's to a less weary tomorrow.

--Me