Pain
One of the hardest parts of my life right now is the pain I'm in. So much of it is physical. Stomach pain so intense I can't sleep, nausea that stops my in my tracks, migraines and so much more. I'm finding more and more things that I can grin and bear.
Most days, the pain is manageable. It doesn't last all day, it doesn't slow me down. I can do my job, I can be a loving daughter and sister, I can be a good friend.
Some days, the pain sucks. It hurts and it's hard but I have to push through it because I don't have any other options. I show up where I've committed to, I find a way to make things work, and I carve out time for self care.
Then, there are weeks like this week. This week, the pain is bone deep. It's brain deep. I can't find it inside of me to be positive anymore. I feel lumpy and awkward, I miss what my body was before it broke. I miss being able to wear pants and not be in pain because of a waistband or a button. I miss putting on clothes and feeling confident. I miss knowing what foods I can eat and have be "safe". I hate flare ups.
The hardest part of this entire journey is that chronic illnesses are so invisible. No one knows when I'm having a bad day or week because who wants to scream from the rooftops that their digestive system is broken? I can still do so many things. I can go to work, I can do my job, I can help my friends and I can be me. And then I go home and curl up on the couch or in my bed and just break.
I don't often call myself broken. Yes, my body doesn't function the way most bodies do, but it works. But today I just feel broken. It's been a week of insecurities and pain and I'm just broken inside and out. My ability to find see the good in this entire experience is just...broken.
Maybe tomorrow, things will be better. Maybe tomorrow I won't be swollen. Maybe tomorrow I can find hope again.
Most days, the pain is manageable. It doesn't last all day, it doesn't slow me down. I can do my job, I can be a loving daughter and sister, I can be a good friend.
Some days, the pain sucks. It hurts and it's hard but I have to push through it because I don't have any other options. I show up where I've committed to, I find a way to make things work, and I carve out time for self care.
Then, there are weeks like this week. This week, the pain is bone deep. It's brain deep. I can't find it inside of me to be positive anymore. I feel lumpy and awkward, I miss what my body was before it broke. I miss being able to wear pants and not be in pain because of a waistband or a button. I miss putting on clothes and feeling confident. I miss knowing what foods I can eat and have be "safe". I hate flare ups.
The hardest part of this entire journey is that chronic illnesses are so invisible. No one knows when I'm having a bad day or week because who wants to scream from the rooftops that their digestive system is broken? I can still do so many things. I can go to work, I can do my job, I can help my friends and I can be me. And then I go home and curl up on the couch or in my bed and just break.
I don't often call myself broken. Yes, my body doesn't function the way most bodies do, but it works. But today I just feel broken. It's been a week of insecurities and pain and I'm just broken inside and out. My ability to find see the good in this entire experience is just...broken.
Maybe tomorrow, things will be better. Maybe tomorrow I won't be swollen. Maybe tomorrow I can find hope again.
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