Finding Hope: My Story

I hesitate to even post this because I know there are so many people who have things so much worse than I do.  Cancer, infertility, miscarriage, losing loved ones.  And I just have this dumb chronic illness that has taken over my life. I'm just weary.  I'm bone tired.  I feel like for every step forward I make I stumble ten backwards again.  I feel like a royal screw up most days.  I can't stop living in this month long crisis cycle with my health.  Every time I feel like I've got the pain or nausea managed, something else pops up.  I've had like 4 ovarian cysts rupture just this week. Nothing seems to be going right. Mostly, I feel like an already crunched up fall leaf.  Not one of the ones on the tree, still vibrant with color.  Nope, one that is on the ground, already crunched. I usually try so hard to be positive. To find the good in a person, a situation, a trial. But tonight, I'm just so weary.  I've been strugglin...

I had the great opportunity to go to Frankfurt for work and see some beautiful hidden gems in a city that is so modern.  So, enjoy some gems of a beautiful little neighborhood in an old city.

Am I the only person who struggles with goal setting? I don't even know what it is about setting goals that is so difficult for me.  I think the future just feels like some...way too far away thing. I keep setting goals every year for things I want to accomplish.  For ways that I want to change.  And then the fall rolls around and I always go...Oooooops.  Welp, guess that year of change isn't happening.  Guess that DI donation box will stay in my closet for another week.  Guess I'm not going to yoga again today. Seriously, how do you people stay motivated enough to accomplish goals?  I barely make it home and cook dinner before I need a nap.

Some days I just ache. My back, my knees, my stomach, my feet.  I ache. A cyst ruptures or the weather changes or I stress myself to exhaustion, and I ache. Somehow, the physical aches aren't nearly as hard as the soul-filled ones.  I can push my body to its limits.  I can keep showing up for work when I feel like I have nothing to give.  I can go and go and go.  But an ache that is heart deep?  Somehow that feels so much harder to carry. I ache for the inadequacy I feel most days.  I ache for the life I thought I would have by now.  I ache for the friends I've lost.  I ache for the hurt feelings I may have caused.  I ache in loneliness, in loss, in feeling in my bones that I've somehow missed my chance. How do you heal a heart ache?  What helps soothe that pain?  Is there some mystical thing I've yet to find that will somehow take away that feeling? I don't know.  This isn't even coming out the way I wanted bu...

One of the hardest parts of my life right now is the pain I'm in.  So much of it is physical.  Stomach pain so intense I can't sleep, nausea that stops my in my tracks, migraines and so much more.  I'm finding more and more things that I can grin and bear.  Most days, the pain is manageable.  It doesn't last all day, it doesn't slow me down.  I can do my job, I can be a loving daughter and sister, I can be a good friend. Some days, the pain sucks.  It hurts and it's hard but I have to push through it because I don't have any other options.  I show up where I've committed to, I find a way to make things work, and I carve out time for self care. Then, there are weeks like this week.  This week, the pain is bone deep.  It's brain deep.  I can't find it inside of me to be positive anymore.  I feel lumpy and awkward, I miss what my body was before it broke.  I miss being able to wear pants and not be in pain because of a ...

I feel like every time I make ten strides forward with my self-confidence, I also make great tumbles backward. I spent this Saturday doing things for ME...spending time with an amazing friend, getting my hair done, learning how to flatter and fall in love with my awesome cheek bones...the list goes on.  I left feeling like I could do ANYTHING!  I'm AMAZING! My body is AMAZING!  I'm BEAUTIFUL even when sitting in the hair chair with no makeup with that massive cape thing on because my beauty comes from INSIDE (and also from my cute cheekbones, mentioned above). And then I go to church and wish I had the fashion sense of that girl or a boyfriend like this one.  I go to work and say I can be part of a photoshoot then feel like the fat friend of all of these gorgeous women. I'm sitting here at work dreading seeing these photos because I just hope and pray that me being in them didn't ruin them. Why is that?  Why can't I hold on to the feeling of AWESOME that I...

Today is a hard day.  It's been a year of medical tests, of trying new medicine, of changing what I eat, when I eat, how often I eat.  A year of questions with no answers.  Yes, you have Gastroparesis.  No, you don't have Gastroparesis, but we don't really know what is wrong. You have a fibroid on your uterus.  There is no evidence of a fibroid.  You might have PCOS but you don't exhibit all of the symptoms.  I have redefined the term atypical case. It has been a long year of pain, of wondering why now, of wishing and hoping for answers that don't seem to come.  A year of praying to have the strength to make it through one more hour at work, to survive a drive home, or even to just find a place to be in pain and cry and not have people asking what is wrong with me. I stayed home from work again today.  It hurts to even sit up straight, and as I write this, I'm in tears...lots and lots of tears.  I couldn't bear the thought of going t...

Last year I tried to do a "year of ME" and i failed. Spectacularly.  I think overall I did a better job of taking care of me, of intentionally participating in self care and in pursuing things that interest me. But I set my sights too high and had waaaay to big of a focus. So this year, 2018, I am calling the Year for Hope.  I want to build hope in my life.  Hope for the future.  Hope for the present.  Hope for blessings that are to come and a bigger hope that I can survive the hard times. So that's my intention for the year.  We'll see how well I do.