festering and failure
I have something I want to get out because it has been festering inside of me for a long time. Buckle in because this is a raw post and is not going to be very pretty.
I feel like a failure a lot of the time.
A failure because I'm not married. Not even just not married, not dating. Guys, I have never gone on a third date. Never held hands with a boy. Never been kissed. I'm 28 and am as inexperienced in love as I was when I was 16. I don't think I am dateable. I'm not a size 4. Or 6. or 16. I have big boobs and a butt, which the world tells you is all a boy wants. But add in extra curves thanks to PCOS and suddenly I don't even rate a second glance. I've been trying for a long time go be okay with this. To learn to love and accept my body for what it gives to me. But honestly, I'm not. I sat at a party tonight and watched pictures of myself get put on a screen and all I could think was "am I really that fat?! no wonder I'm alone."
I feel like a failure because I'm scared of the future. Once again roles are potentially changing at work and I don't know that I'm capable of taking on the role I'm being handed. I don't see what others see in me. I'm terrified that I'll be terrible and will end up losing my job. I look at the last ten years of my life and realize I've been doing the same type of job since high school. I feel like I have zero accomplishments in life, aka failure.
I feel like a failure because I don't have dreams for the future. I don't dream of owning my own house some day or getting a dog. I don't even dream about getting married and having babies anymore because it feels like a pipe dream. I don't think anyone will ever love me and I think I would be a terrible mother--some nights I can't remember if I've had dinner or not and just go to bed without eating.
I suck at being a friend. I try to be nice and be helpful and be funny and be the thousand other things you would want in a friend but I'm always the one who no one remembers to invite to the party. I've been told that people were only pretending to be my friend to be a joke. I went into my senior year of high school with two friends because the group of friends I had didn't like me anymore. The worst part is I never know what I'm doing wrong. I'm never missed if I don't go to an activity because I don't have a friend actively waiting for me there. I eat lunch alone at work most days because I don't fit in with the girls I work with. I don't have a husband or kids and don't have anything interesting to talk about in my life.
I suck as a roommate because I can find everything the people I'm living with are doing to annoy me but can't see where I would be the problem. I don't keep in contact with people because I worry that I'm an irritation to them. I feel invisible most days.
So, if anyone even reads this blog anymore, I just want to let you know that I get it. I'm not positive all the time. Some days I can't see a bright side to the situation. Most days I'm super negative. Almost always I feel like I don't fit in. I don't know how to be "cool" or "stylish" or "trendy". I can barely handle getting myself out of bed and to work on time most days.
I don't need your advice. I don't need your pity. I just needed to let this all out.
I feel like a failure a lot of the time.
A failure because I'm not married. Not even just not married, not dating. Guys, I have never gone on a third date. Never held hands with a boy. Never been kissed. I'm 28 and am as inexperienced in love as I was when I was 16. I don't think I am dateable. I'm not a size 4. Or 6. or 16. I have big boobs and a butt, which the world tells you is all a boy wants. But add in extra curves thanks to PCOS and suddenly I don't even rate a second glance. I've been trying for a long time go be okay with this. To learn to love and accept my body for what it gives to me. But honestly, I'm not. I sat at a party tonight and watched pictures of myself get put on a screen and all I could think was "am I really that fat?! no wonder I'm alone."
I feel like a failure because I'm scared of the future. Once again roles are potentially changing at work and I don't know that I'm capable of taking on the role I'm being handed. I don't see what others see in me. I'm terrified that I'll be terrible and will end up losing my job. I look at the last ten years of my life and realize I've been doing the same type of job since high school. I feel like I have zero accomplishments in life, aka failure.
I feel like a failure because I don't have dreams for the future. I don't dream of owning my own house some day or getting a dog. I don't even dream about getting married and having babies anymore because it feels like a pipe dream. I don't think anyone will ever love me and I think I would be a terrible mother--some nights I can't remember if I've had dinner or not and just go to bed without eating.
I suck at being a friend. I try to be nice and be helpful and be funny and be the thousand other things you would want in a friend but I'm always the one who no one remembers to invite to the party. I've been told that people were only pretending to be my friend to be a joke. I went into my senior year of high school with two friends because the group of friends I had didn't like me anymore. The worst part is I never know what I'm doing wrong. I'm never missed if I don't go to an activity because I don't have a friend actively waiting for me there. I eat lunch alone at work most days because I don't fit in with the girls I work with. I don't have a husband or kids and don't have anything interesting to talk about in my life.
I suck as a roommate because I can find everything the people I'm living with are doing to annoy me but can't see where I would be the problem. I don't keep in contact with people because I worry that I'm an irritation to them. I feel invisible most days.
So, if anyone even reads this blog anymore, I just want to let you know that I get it. I'm not positive all the time. Some days I can't see a bright side to the situation. Most days I'm super negative. Almost always I feel like I don't fit in. I don't know how to be "cool" or "stylish" or "trendy". I can barely handle getting myself out of bed and to work on time most days.
I don't need your advice. I don't need your pity. I just needed to let this all out.
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