Feeling Guilty

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty for having a chronic illness. Guilty for taking work off on a rough day. Guilty for canceling plans. Guilty for struggling to commit to plans because I don't know how I will feel.

I don't want to feel guilty. So much of this chronic illness is out of my control. So much depends on something else--a stressful day can lead to a migraine, fibroid and ovarian cyst pain leads to sleepless nights which lead to migraines, migraines lead to not eating enough or often enough which leads to gastroparesis pain.

And yet, I do. I took work off today because I had stomach pain. Some days that is because a cyst ruptured. Some days it's because my hormones have gone haywire and my fibroid hurts.  Some days it's just because whatever I had for dinner the night before still hasn't gotten digested and my body is trying so hard to do what it needs to do.

So I took work off.  I stayed home in bed and tried to sleep. Tried to find a way through this pain so that tomorrow I can show up for work and be cheerful. Be the kind of employee that my work needs. Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister and a better roommate. Today I'm not better. Today I am just me, fighting through what I have to fight through so that tomorrow I can be.

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