Finding Hope: My Story

I have something I want to get out because it has been festering inside of me for a long time. Buckle in because this is a raw post and is not going to be very pretty. I feel like a failure a lot of the time. A failure because I'm not married.  Not even just not married, not dating. Guys, I have never gone on a third date. Never held hands with a boy. Never been kissed. I'm 28 and am as inexperienced in love as I was when I was 16. I don't think I am dateable. I'm not a size 4. Or 6. or 16. I have big boobs and a butt, which the world tells you is all a boy wants. But add in extra curves thanks to PCOS and suddenly I don't even rate a second glance. I've been trying for a long time go be okay with this. To learn to love and accept my body for what it gives to me. But honestly, I'm not. I sat at a party tonight and watched pictures of myself get put on a screen and all I could think was "am I really that fat?! no wonder I'm alone." I feel ...

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty for having a chronic illness. Guilty for taking work off on a rough day. Guilty for canceling plans. Guilty for struggling to commit to plans because I don't know how I will feel. I don't want to feel guilty. So much of this chronic illness is out of my control. So much depends on something else--a stressful day can lead to a migraine, fibroid and ovarian cyst pain leads to sleepless nights which lead to migraines, migraines lead to not eating enough or often enough which leads to gastroparesis pain. And yet, I do. I took work off today because I had stomach pain. Some days that is because a cyst ruptured. Some days it's because my hormones have gone haywire and my fibroid hurts.  Some days it's just because whatever I had for dinner the night before still hasn't gotten digested and my body is trying so hard to do what it needs to do. So I took work off.  I stayed home in bed and tried to sleep. Tried to find a way through ...

Once upon a time I started following a blog called itjustgetsstranger.com .  It is hilarious and uplifting and just the right thing to pick you up in the middle of a blah kind of day.  Well today I was back at work after taking an actual  break over Christmas and just feeling overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed by the amazing goals I won't be setting because I'll just fail at them.  Overwhelmed by the progress happening in lives that aren't mine.  Overwhelmed by the constant question of where my career is headed.  Overwhelmed by my inbox and the mountain of packages on my desk. So I took a minute to read Eli's blog, and found this gem.  And suddenly, my life didn't feel super overwhelming.  I felt like instead of trying to fix my health and lose the pounds I don't like and get married and become wildly successful in my career, I could just pick ONE.  Pick a theme and run with it to improve how I feel about ME. So, 2017, I am officially callin...