when you cannot go any longer
I know, I know. It has been a long time. Trust me, if you read my journal or saw my "planner" you would understand that I am not very good at documenting my thoughts and feelings, my life experiences or even just keeping track of what I do each day.
However, I have hit a point where I just need to share my experiences with living with a chronic illness. It has been a hard month. A hard year. A hard five years since I first got sick and first had to ask myself "what can I learn from this new, never-ending trial?" Honestly, this is the hardest trial I have yet to face. Harder than being a shy, lonely kid, harder than the woes of female teenage-dom, harder than broken hearts and lonely weekends.
So, why is this so hard?
Everyone else always thinks they have all the answers. They are sure that something else is wrong with you, that it is all in your head or that you can just do XYZ and suddenly a miracle will occur and you will be well and whole.
Surprise, that isn't how chronic illnesses WORK. They are hard, they are often invisible, and they are CHRONIC because there isn't a quick or lasting fix. What worked for your cousin/sister/friend might not work for me. I don't need to be caged in and peer pressured about my health and my body.
Also,I hate the term "sick days". I have sick weeks. Or sick months. I have constant pain and nausea, to a point where unless the pain is at a 7 or an 8, I don't even take medicine anymore because I barely even notice that I am not at my normal level of "I feel disgusting and useless and in so much pain". I don't take sick days at work, I don't take sick days from life. Because if I were to start, I would not stop. It is so easy to give up in this fight for normalcy, I'm scared that if I take one step backward, I will slide down this never ending climb and have to try to pick myself up and start again.
But I know what you are thinking. Megan, why are you whining? You have blessings and have seen amazing miracles and know that God has a hand in your life.
I'm writing this post because I know that again and again, I am going to feel like I have hit the hardest part of my chronic illness climb. I know that I am going to hit a wall again tomorrow or in six months or in two years where I just don't think that I can keep going. That I can keep figuring out how to pull myself up and keep going when everything inside me wants to quit. Wants to curl back up in bed and whine and wail and hope that somehow, that attitude will make everything else okay.
So this blog post is for you, future self. For you to remember that even on the days where you break down, when the tears won't stop and everything hurts and is hard, to remember that you have a Savior. That there is someone else who knows EXACTLY what this struggle is. Who knows EXACTLY why this trial is so hard and who loves you so perfectly and indescribably that eternity won't be enough time to express your gratitude for the Atonement. For the moments when Jesus Christ, who was in the Garden of Gethsemane and at the pinnacle of His own longest and hardest climb, continued on, continued to suffer, bleed and eventually die for ME so that He could live for ME. So that he could make it possible for me to one day be perfected. To one day understand why I was given this trial and to understand just how often Heavenly Father's loving, guiding hand was in my life.
Future self, I know it is hard. Come on, I've been there crying in bathrooms and wishing things were different, better, healthier. But I know that even the hard days are replete with blessings. So, today and always, ask "What can I learn from this" instead of "Why". "Why" is fruitless. It pits me and my selfish needs against God. "What can I learn from this" instead allows Heavenly Father to guide, mold and shape me into the child that He needs me to be to be able to do His work.
This doesn't mean that it isn't okay to cry. That I can't be mad/sad/angry/confused about my Gastroparesis and the struggles that it brings each day. However, it means that instead of feeling alone, I can know that I am loved. I am loved beyond measure. I can make it through this trial day by and and week by week until I can say as Paul did "I have fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith."
Take heart, future self, and keep the faith.
However, I have hit a point where I just need to share my experiences with living with a chronic illness. It has been a hard month. A hard year. A hard five years since I first got sick and first had to ask myself "what can I learn from this new, never-ending trial?" Honestly, this is the hardest trial I have yet to face. Harder than being a shy, lonely kid, harder than the woes of female teenage-dom, harder than broken hearts and lonely weekends.
So, why is this so hard?
Everyone else always thinks they have all the answers. They are sure that something else is wrong with you, that it is all in your head or that you can just do XYZ and suddenly a miracle will occur and you will be well and whole.
Surprise, that isn't how chronic illnesses WORK. They are hard, they are often invisible, and they are CHRONIC because there isn't a quick or lasting fix. What worked for your cousin/sister/friend might not work for me. I don't need to be caged in and peer pressured about my health and my body.
Also,I hate the term "sick days". I have sick weeks. Or sick months. I have constant pain and nausea, to a point where unless the pain is at a 7 or an 8, I don't even take medicine anymore because I barely even notice that I am not at my normal level of "I feel disgusting and useless and in so much pain". I don't take sick days at work, I don't take sick days from life. Because if I were to start, I would not stop. It is so easy to give up in this fight for normalcy, I'm scared that if I take one step backward, I will slide down this never ending climb and have to try to pick myself up and start again.
But I know what you are thinking. Megan, why are you whining? You have blessings and have seen amazing miracles and know that God has a hand in your life.
I'm writing this post because I know that again and again, I am going to feel like I have hit the hardest part of my chronic illness climb. I know that I am going to hit a wall again tomorrow or in six months or in two years where I just don't think that I can keep going. That I can keep figuring out how to pull myself up and keep going when everything inside me wants to quit. Wants to curl back up in bed and whine and wail and hope that somehow, that attitude will make everything else okay.
So this blog post is for you, future self. For you to remember that even on the days where you break down, when the tears won't stop and everything hurts and is hard, to remember that you have a Savior. That there is someone else who knows EXACTLY what this struggle is. Who knows EXACTLY why this trial is so hard and who loves you so perfectly and indescribably that eternity won't be enough time to express your gratitude for the Atonement. For the moments when Jesus Christ, who was in the Garden of Gethsemane and at the pinnacle of His own longest and hardest climb, continued on, continued to suffer, bleed and eventually die for ME so that He could live for ME. So that he could make it possible for me to one day be perfected. To one day understand why I was given this trial and to understand just how often Heavenly Father's loving, guiding hand was in my life.
Future self, I know it is hard. Come on, I've been there crying in bathrooms and wishing things were different, better, healthier. But I know that even the hard days are replete with blessings. So, today and always, ask "What can I learn from this" instead of "Why". "Why" is fruitless. It pits me and my selfish needs against God. "What can I learn from this" instead allows Heavenly Father to guide, mold and shape me into the child that He needs me to be to be able to do His work.
This doesn't mean that it isn't okay to cry. That I can't be mad/sad/angry/confused about my Gastroparesis and the struggles that it brings each day. However, it means that instead of feeling alone, I can know that I am loved. I am loved beyond measure. I can make it through this trial day by and and week by week until I can say as Paul did "I have fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith."
Take heart, future self, and keep the faith.
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