Adjusting
Guys.
I am so sick and tired of having to adjust.
No, but really. I just want my life to be in a place where I feel secure and settled. I want to feel like the choices I make based on inspiration are actually going to bring me happiness and not lead me down a path of enduring to the end YET AGAIN.
I want to be happy in my apartment and in my ward. But I constantly feel like the outsider. Like no matter how hard I try I am not going to fit in. again. GAH this is so hard.
Let me back this story up a bit. My landlord is always coming around to check who wants to stay in which apartments and so forth. He has two buildings that he manages, and the fact that he learns all of our names always astounds me. But I digress.
During the summer, I was having a hard time with one of my roommates that I knew I would be living with in the Fall (aka now). My landlord knew about this and asked me many times if I wanted to move. Part of me was miffed that I had to be the one to move since I had lived there longer. Another part of me turned to sincere prayer. I knew that I should not be making decisions about where I should live without first consulting my Father in Heaven.
And I felt like I was supposed to stay.
To say that I was frustrated with my answer would be an understatement. I wanted to start fresh again, wanted to move to a new place and have new adventures.
But I was supposed to stay.
I was excited to stay in my ward again and remain with my same friends. I knew that my living situation would be a challenge but I figured I could overcome. And then they changed the ward boundaries.
So now, I am not only living in a personal nightmare, but I have lost my support system. I miss my old ward. I miss how at home I felt there. Here I just feel like I am constantly intruding on something that was established long before I entered the ward. Everyone already has all the friends that they want and I feel like an outsider.
I know I should adjust. I should just accept what has happened and learn to roll with it. But I don't have the strength to go through this again. And that scares me more than I want to think about.
So here I am...lonely, outcast little me wondering why at 24 I feel like I am in high school all over again. And I hate it.
I am so sick and tired of having to adjust.
No, but really. I just want my life to be in a place where I feel secure and settled. I want to feel like the choices I make based on inspiration are actually going to bring me happiness and not lead me down a path of enduring to the end YET AGAIN.
I want to be happy in my apartment and in my ward. But I constantly feel like the outsider. Like no matter how hard I try I am not going to fit in. again. GAH this is so hard.
Let me back this story up a bit. My landlord is always coming around to check who wants to stay in which apartments and so forth. He has two buildings that he manages, and the fact that he learns all of our names always astounds me. But I digress.
During the summer, I was having a hard time with one of my roommates that I knew I would be living with in the Fall (aka now). My landlord knew about this and asked me many times if I wanted to move. Part of me was miffed that I had to be the one to move since I had lived there longer. Another part of me turned to sincere prayer. I knew that I should not be making decisions about where I should live without first consulting my Father in Heaven.
And I felt like I was supposed to stay.
To say that I was frustrated with my answer would be an understatement. I wanted to start fresh again, wanted to move to a new place and have new adventures.
But I was supposed to stay.
I was excited to stay in my ward again and remain with my same friends. I knew that my living situation would be a challenge but I figured I could overcome. And then they changed the ward boundaries.
So now, I am not only living in a personal nightmare, but I have lost my support system. I miss my old ward. I miss how at home I felt there. Here I just feel like I am constantly intruding on something that was established long before I entered the ward. Everyone already has all the friends that they want and I feel like an outsider.
I know I should adjust. I should just accept what has happened and learn to roll with it. But I don't have the strength to go through this again. And that scares me more than I want to think about.
So here I am...lonely, outcast little me wondering why at 24 I feel like I am in high school all over again. And I hate it.
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