Finding Hope: My Story

Guys, I always seem to conveniently "forget" just how much I need sleep.  Not a little sleep.  I am talking hours and hours of deep, restful, uninterupted sleep. The terror all started sometime last week when for NO reason my body decided that sleeping was like totes boring and that I didn't need it anymore.  So I would fail to fall asleep.  Or wake up in the middle of the night.  Or sleep so lightly that the cranky cat outside my apartment would wake me.  You catch the drift. THEN my sister came and stayed for the weekend.  We stayed up til midnight...then woke up at like...early.  It was gross, you guys.  I never knew that it was possible to BE up that early on a Saturday.  barf. THEN it got stupid-hot super fast in Utah.  And since I am one of the many, the ashamed, the poor college students residing in Provo, I have no money.  Money is what is required to pay for Air Conditioning.  When Spring started I thought...

Friends, Internet, everyone in between,  YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS OF ME RIGHT NOW.  I had the most bomb-diggity weekend ever.  What did I do, you are asking yourselves?  I know, I have you sitting literally on the edge of your seats, hearts racing to figure out how my weekend could POSSIBLY have been cooler than yours.  Guys, I hung out with my nine-year old sister.   Be jealous.   She came to P-town Friday afternoon and we didn't head to my parentals until Sunday morning.  I have never been so exhausted.  We went to the park, fed the ducks, went stargazing (she saw three shooting stars which makes me the coolest big sister ever), went to a softball game, ate more ice cream in two days than either of us eat in a month, played two games of mini-golf, watched a movie, went to a crepe party, watched Psych, ate Dino Chicken nuggets (or Dino Nuggs), and didn't have a bed time.   We even remembered to buy my mom fl...

Guys, I had a total kick in the pants moment today. Remember that one time last week when I was so full of questions?  And then I actually acted on something and felt so much better? Well I was still a little worried.  I need SOMETHING to help me get in to grad school.  But I had no idea how I was going to do it.  Until today. Last week I had emailed one of my professor's asking if there was any chance that I could be a part of her research team.  I knew my chances were slim.  I knew that I was grasping at straws because let's get real, with all the hours I work and the volunteering that I do, my grades are not the best.  But this amazing woman decided to give me a chance. You guys, I am going to be on her research team.  I might actually have some kind of chance at getting in to grad school. I am telling you, God ANSWERS prayers.  Even the ones I don't admit to anyone that I am praying.  He knows me and knows exactly what is g...

This has been one crazy week.  And I wish I could say that I have all the answers.  I don't.  But I did make one big decision.  It may end up being a really stupid decision, but it is what feels right for me right now. I had the opportunity to try to work in a research lab here on campus.  However, I wasn't hired right off the bat, and had to spend time "proving my worth" to the researcher.  Which I understand...honestly I do.  I think it is unfair, but I understand it at the same time. I agreed to begin the trial period.  I was going to donate my time and work for free for these people to try to change the scores I had repeatedly gotten this semester on my rater reliability so that I could possibly get hired...and I was stressing out I honestly was more stressed this week than I was during finals or during a Divine Comedy week or anything else.  It was awful.  I couldn't concentrate at work, I wasn't doing anything useful, and I f...

What to do...what to do? I have to figure out what to do with my life...do I take on a research opportunity that may or may not pan out that could or could not help me get in to grad school?  Will that overload me even further? Do I graduate in December? Do I do an internship? Do I keep doing all the volunteering that I am ALREADY doing? Can I even find a job once I graduate? What do I do with all of the dreams I have in my head that are not coming true?  Do I hold on to those or do I let them go? How do I accept that my chapter one is not the same as your chapter twenty?  That our lives were always meant to be different and to have different challenges? Someone help me figure it out.

This Spring Term has started out with a bang.  All the roommates moved out...and in moved ONE person.  That means there are only two of us living in our apartment.  My bedroom is bigger than our living room and I am the only person in it.  This would be fine, you know, if new roommate and I actually...I dunno...talked.  But alas, she loves her solitude.  And so my need for human interaction is still being denied. I am realizing as this week is going on that I have reached the tipping point of insignificance.  I can literally come and go and no one will even care.  If I didn't show up at work, there is rarely a time that no one will notice my absence because we are so well staffed this summer. I don't stand out in the looks department...#letsgetrealfolks.  If I did, I would probably, you know, date. But I don't.  And I try to pretend that it doesn't matter.  That it is okay that the nice boys I meet all want to date my friends in...