Tears and Fears

I feel like this is all I am full of lately.  Lots of tears that I won't shed.  I don't want to appear weak and so I keep all of my tears inside.  I keep everything locked up because I do not want to dump my problems on anyone.  I lock it all in, I shove my pain deep under everything else I am dealing with, and then I face the world.

Then there are the fears.  I don't know where I am supposed to live in the Fall.  Not where I want to live, but the place that is going to help me grow as a person, the place that might actually bring some dating opportunities into my life, the place that will bring more friendships and more opportunities for growth.  I have no idea where that is and whether I should move or stay.  Barf.

I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid that if I don't graduate with excellent grades, that I will have failed everyone who helped me get to this point in my life.  I am afraid that if I am not able to get in to grad school, that I will have failed those people who believed that I could.  I am afraid that if I decide to pursue other dreams I will have failed once again, that my time here really will have been a waste and that there will have been no reason for me to have stuck around Provo for so long.

I am afraid that I am going to end up alone.  And don't you DARE tell me that this is not a legitimate fear.  You are looking at the girl who has not had a date that was not set up by someone else in a LOOOONG time.  Boys are not attracted to me, instead they are forced to be in my company for awkward blind dates and then we part ways, never talking again.

So there you go...another not success.  But whatever, I'm human too you know.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

it has been too long.

You guys, I am sorry.  I really am. I feel connected to you in some way.  I get all excited when you read my blog.  And then I go and let you down by not actually blogging. My bad, guys, my bad. I still don't know what I am doing with my life.  No, scratch that.  I know that I am graduating sometime in the next year.  Now I just need to find full time employment so that I can pay for said semesters, for housing, for "The Cranberry" as Psych so inspired me to call my car. Oh, life.  Sometimes I wish that you had a pause button.  So that I could go on more Sunday Springtime Frolics through the meadows of life.  So that I could write on my blog more.  So that I could be a better friend, roommate, sister, and daughter. But, you don't.  It's like...crappy that you don't.  Life keeps moving forward.  People keep moving on.  And I am left here wondering what I am going to do next. Fortunately, there is music. ...
Read more

My Gethsemane

Yesterday was an oh-so-sickly day for me.  My and my stomach waged an epic war which left me laying in my bed for most of the morning and wishing I understood more about why this whole gastroparesis thing (or as I like to call it sometimes, Goob Jr., but I'll explain that more another day) is happening to me. Then i had to put on my grin and bear it face and go to a class that I knew that I just could not miss.  And then haul my sorry sickly body to my favorite place in the world, Divine Comedy rehearsal.  These people just make my life so much more awesome.  And so, I went feeling so gross but knowing that they needed me there with all the props that I had in my car. And somehow I survived. Today, I woke up.  And surprisingly felt much better.  And then I went to my all time favorite class and got to learn more about this talk right here.  And I remembered the way I felt when I first heard this talk, sitting in a lonely LDS chapel in Virginia ...
Read more

It is the little things

This has been an exhausting weekend.  Springhaven=joy.  Springhaven=exhaustion.  Springhaven=not going to bed until 4am. I love my DC peeps. In other news, I am so grateful for some very inspired friends who have been there for me this week.  Just so in tune to what I needed this week, whether it was a movie night with three different kinds of ice cream, or home teachers who just knew that drop by visits were what I needed this week.  I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for my Father in Heaven and the inspiration that He gives to others to help me out in my life.  Thanks friends. Watch for some big changes in my future.  Like, big.  We'll see what happens, but I am hoping for some new and exciting opportunities to start coming my way soonish.  :) Also, I love sweatshirt weather. And leg warmers on Sundays. And hot chocolate and cinnamon rolls and halloween costumes. Man, I should sleep more.  Then you poor soul...
Read more