Finding Hope: My Story

You guys, I am sorry.  I really am. I feel connected to you in some way.  I get all excited when you read my blog.  And then I go and let you down by not actually blogging. My bad, guys, my bad. I still don't know what I am doing with my life.  No, scratch that.  I know that I am graduating sometime in the next year.  Now I just need to find full time employment so that I can pay for said semesters, for housing, for "The Cranberry" as Psych so inspired me to call my car. Oh, life.  Sometimes I wish that you had a pause button.  So that I could go on more Sunday Springtime Frolics through the meadows of life.  So that I could write on my blog more.  So that I could be a better friend, roommate, sister, and daughter. But, you don't.  It's like...crappy that you don't.  Life keeps moving forward.  People keep moving on.  And I am left here wondering what I am going to do next. Fortunately, there is music. ...

This isn't a success. And blogging about this is really scary for me. I like to pretend like I am invincible.  Like I can take on anything that the world has to throw at me.  " Bring it on World, and I will conquer it!"   Right? Wrong. Guys, I have a deep, ugly, secret that I don't know if I want to share.  I fear that it will make those of you who know me think differently of me, and those of you who don't stop reading this blog here and now.  I like to pretend that we are all the best of friends.  That there are millions of you out there who read this and share it with a friend who is having a down day.  But once I tell you this about myself, I am scared that you won't want to be my friend anymore. You guys, I hate my body. I hate that I look in the mirror and see me...looking fat. Yup.  There it is.  I.am.fat. And I am really insecure about it.

Sometimes life hits you like a ton of bricks.  And you have no idea how you are going to conquer what life has thrown at you or how you are going to find the strength to continue to move forward. You feel alone and afraid and lost and forgotten.  You wonder why Heavenly Father has left you to feel the way that you feel and to be the way that you are.  You wonder why life is as hard as it is. And then Heavenly Father sends people in to your life to help lift that ton of bricks. No joke, this past week was a week of miracles for me.  Of people coming in to my life and being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or groceries because I had run out of food, or a hug on a bad day. I have never been more aware of the fact that my Heavenly Father is aware of my most basic needs than I am now. It reminds me of these scriptures: D&C 121:7 D&C 122:9 Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am never more of a "success" than I am with my Heavenly Father ...

I know, this seems kind of ironic to be writing about, since this is my blog and well, the only thing I talk about is myself.  Get used to it people, I am realizing more and more that the only thing I actually know HOW to talk about is me. Bryan Regan talks about how there are "me monsters" in the world.  All they want to talk about is how they are better than other people or how their life is harder than other people.  They are one-uppers. I feel like I have become a "me-monster" lately.  All I want to do is talk about why MY day was so great or why I deserve to wallow in self pity more than anyone else does. I feel like I have lost a little of my capacity to be selfless.  Instead, I just want to focus on me and how crappy my life is or how sucky it is that things are not going my way. And that is no fun at all.

Sometimes, I just want time to breathe. Time away from the stress of school, work, life in general where I can just relax. I know this is not very realistic. Life has to move forward.  I have to graduate at some point.  Then I have to go to grad school so that I can live my dreams and become who I want to become. or..not... I don't know anymore.  I don't know where my dreams will take me. But I do know I just want time to breathe.

I feel like this is all I am full of lately.  Lots of tears that I won't shed.  I don't want to appear weak and so I keep all of my tears inside.  I keep everything locked up because I do not want to dump my problems on anyone.  I lock it all in, I shove my pain deep under everything else I am dealing with, and then I face the world. Then there are the fears.  I don't know where I am supposed to live in the Fall.  Not where I want to live, but the place that is going to help me grow as a person, the place that might actually bring some dating opportunities into my life, the place that will bring more friendships and more opportunities for growth.  I have no idea where that is and whether I should move or stay.  Barf. I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid that if I don't graduate with excellent grades, that I will have failed everyone who helped me get to this point in my life.  I am afraid that if I am not able to get in to grad schoo...