The Worst Version of Yourself


I feel like this sometimes.

I am Tom Hanks in this instance.  I, lately, have become the worst version of myself.  I see negatives, not positives.  I avoid situations where I have to be positive.  Then I bring my friends down because I am in such a negative space.

So, dear void and my friends who fill it, I apologize for the negativity that I have been projecting lately.  For the angry, hate-filled, spiteful things I may have said.  There are a lot of emotions under this anger that I am scared to deal with.  I know they are there.  And I know that I am hiding from them.  I know it is time to stop hiding, but that is scary.

So give me one more day.  Give me one more day to be angry and spiteful and see everyone else as a monster and myself as a saint.  Soon, I will begin to try to see the good in the world around me.  But not today.  Just give me today.


Comments

  1. CamilleMay 3, 2013 at 5:02 PM

    I feel like this sometimes, especially regarding a certain set of events that you know about. I used to think that I would never stop feeling angry or hateful or spiteful. Sometimes I still feel that way, and I think I made a visiting teaching appointment awkward because I went into too much detail (first time in over a year I went, oh well).

    But some days it does feel better. Some days I feel okay and I laugh and joke and forget about that pain. Some days it reminds me that it's still there and I have to choose to hide from it or face it today. Most days I do not have the strength to face those things; it's okay to bide your time until you feel like you can face them.

    Sometimes just letting yourself get lost in life can help; I was super relieved when I had two jobs and school to do because I blissfully didn't have time to think about the pain and anger. I mean, everyone's at a different point in their lives, and I could not physically have done two jobs and school full time just a year before--I would have died! But in that moment being so busy was a chance for me to slowly process my pain and anger while not really looking it in the eyes, you know?

    Anyway, I tend to get rambley, as I'm sure you can tell. I just want you to know that I love you and I think about you often :) And you're in my prayers!!

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