Finding Hope: My Story

...it is "that time of the month".  And any female can tell you that they HATE that time.  You feel all bloaty, your clothes don't fit, you have zits like nobody's business, and you crave chocolate. CONSTANTLY.  If we could lock ourselves in our homes with giant tubs of ice cream, enough pain killers to survive a zombie apocalypse, and sweat pants, we would be happy. Instead, we are expected to act as if everything is normal.  As if we like wearing jeans that are now too tight, squeezing our aching uterus. As if we want to go rock climbing, hot tubbing, or bike riding with the man of our dreams.  As if nothing is happening inside our bodies. AND, we aren't supposed to talk about it. Seriously.  We are all humans.  We deal with aches and pains.  So stop being a baby and let me whine about my crazy hormones, or the fact that I am insanely emotional because my body sloughing off the lining of my uterus because there is no fetus inside it. So....

It's November.  Meaning it is Thanksgiving.  Meaning that it is the month of gratitude. I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  I have been pondering, as my BYU career comes to a close, what I am the most grateful for right now.  And I have to be honest, there are a lot of things for me to be grateful for. First, I am grateful for my family.  That they are able to handle my stressed out rantings and ravings and that they still love me at the end of the day.  I am grateful that they are there to catch me when I fall and lift me up when I need it. I am grateful for my friends.  Like seriously, how on earth did I go from the shy kid who was afraid that no one would even WANT to like her to who I am today.  I can honestly say that it is because of the many wonderful friends who have blessed my life, whether they were only in it for a moment or have stuck it out with me for years.  You know who you are you wonderful folks. I am grat...

Okay, I know that I shouldn't take this out on boys everywhere, but I want to. Do you ever feel like you are just...average?  I feel that way all the time.  I am average height.  I have average brown hair and average blue/green eyes that can never decide which color they want to be...so they just aren't a color.  I am completely average looking and easy to miss in a crowd. And so it happens.  I get passed over all the time and gosh darn it it hurts after a while. I was talking to my good friend Sammy last night about this.  About how it is easy for a strong, confident woman to get passed over by a man.  He says that it is a delicate balance for a girl to walk between being helpless and needing no one. I see his point.  I don't want to be a damsel in distress because, well, that isn't me.  However, if I am not willing to let people in to my life, then no, they aren't going to seek me out or date me because I seem like I don't need them...

As you all already read, my life has felt pretty blech since fall started. So tonight I decided to do something about it! I texted my roommate (because she is never home and when she is she just skypes her bf) to ask her to simply close the blinds so I can sleep.  I haven't heard back yet, but since passive aggression is up her alley, I am sure that this will be fantastic. THEN I posted on my ward's facebook page about how I feel like the two new buildings (aka me) that got added to our ward needed a little fellowshipping.  I figured that most of the ward would know what this meant since they talk about their mission experiences all the time. Apparently this was "wrong".  I started an epic facebook battle about how their ward is already so inclusive, and shouldn't I just show up at activities and feel included because life is full of rainbows and sunshine. Guess what guys, all I want is FELLOWSHIPPING.  You know, that thing you did as a missionary where ...

Guys. I am so sick and tired of having to adjust. No, but really.  I just want my life to be in a place where I feel secure and settled.  I want to feel like the choices I make based on inspiration are actually going to bring me happiness and not lead me down a path of enduring to the end YET AGAIN. I want to be happy in my apartment and in my ward.  But I constantly feel like the outsider.  Like no matter how hard I try I am not going to fit in. again. GAH this is so hard. Let me back this story up a bit.  My landlord is always coming around to check who wants to stay in which apartments and so forth.  He has two buildings that he manages, and the fact that he learns all of our names always astounds me.  But I digress. During the summer, I was having a hard time with one of my roommates that I knew I would be living with in the Fall (aka now).  My landlord knew about this and asked me many times if I wanted to move.  Part of me was...

Sometimes I don't even realize how negative I have let myself become.  I don't think about how often I criticize myself, my living situation, my roommates, friends, family, and random people on the street.  I don't think about how much I hate this or that because it seems to have just become ingrained. And then there are things in life that just knock you over. I had a moment the other day...okayyyy, it was Monday, I'll admit it.  And I stopped and thought to myself "no, seriously, why does ANYONE even like me right now?"  I have become the worst version of myself lately.  I only see the negative in others, I don't see how I can help them, I don't stop to see what I can do to help the situation I am in improve. But that is changing.  I am mending bridges.  I am figuring out how to be more kind and loving.  I am learning to let things go that don't matter...because let's face it they don't matter. More than that I am just letting me ...

I had the amazing opportunity to go on vacation this week.  To california.  And the beach.  Oh how I LOVE the beach. What that meant, though, was that I did a LOT of driving.  And a LOT of thinking.  And I discovered something I want to share with you all. My Aunt J and I were talking one morning about life.  She is blessed to have a loving husband and four rambunctious kids in her life.  We were talking about the differences in my life, her life, and in the lives of those we love.  And I discovered something while talking to her that I wanted to share.  Well...I was TAUGHT something that I wanted to share. This life is not all about getting what we want right now.  We may want a fancy beach house or a nice car.  We may want a husband and babies.  But is that always what we need? I am very sure that the Lord is aware of our wants  as well as our needs.    And He is much more concerned with meeting our ne...

Guys, I always seem to conveniently "forget" just how much I need sleep.  Not a little sleep.  I am talking hours and hours of deep, restful, uninterupted sleep. The terror all started sometime last week when for NO reason my body decided that sleeping was like totes boring and that I didn't need it anymore.  So I would fail to fall asleep.  Or wake up in the middle of the night.  Or sleep so lightly that the cranky cat outside my apartment would wake me.  You catch the drift. THEN my sister came and stayed for the weekend.  We stayed up til midnight...then woke up at like...early.  It was gross, you guys.  I never knew that it was possible to BE up that early on a Saturday.  barf. THEN it got stupid-hot super fast in Utah.  And since I am one of the many, the ashamed, the poor college students residing in Provo, I have no money.  Money is what is required to pay for Air Conditioning.  When Spring started I thought...

Friends, Internet, everyone in between,  YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO JEALOUS OF ME RIGHT NOW.  I had the most bomb-diggity weekend ever.  What did I do, you are asking yourselves?  I know, I have you sitting literally on the edge of your seats, hearts racing to figure out how my weekend could POSSIBLY have been cooler than yours.  Guys, I hung out with my nine-year old sister.   Be jealous.   She came to P-town Friday afternoon and we didn't head to my parentals until Sunday morning.  I have never been so exhausted.  We went to the park, fed the ducks, went stargazing (she saw three shooting stars which makes me the coolest big sister ever), went to a softball game, ate more ice cream in two days than either of us eat in a month, played two games of mini-golf, watched a movie, went to a crepe party, watched Psych, ate Dino Chicken nuggets (or Dino Nuggs), and didn't have a bed time.   We even remembered to buy my mom fl...

Guys, I had a total kick in the pants moment today. Remember that one time last week when I was so full of questions?  And then I actually acted on something and felt so much better? Well I was still a little worried.  I need SOMETHING to help me get in to grad school.  But I had no idea how I was going to do it.  Until today. Last week I had emailed one of my professor's asking if there was any chance that I could be a part of her research team.  I knew my chances were slim.  I knew that I was grasping at straws because let's get real, with all the hours I work and the volunteering that I do, my grades are not the best.  But this amazing woman decided to give me a chance. You guys, I am going to be on her research team.  I might actually have some kind of chance at getting in to grad school. I am telling you, God ANSWERS prayers.  Even the ones I don't admit to anyone that I am praying.  He knows me and knows exactly what is g...

This has been one crazy week.  And I wish I could say that I have all the answers.  I don't.  But I did make one big decision.  It may end up being a really stupid decision, but it is what feels right for me right now. I had the opportunity to try to work in a research lab here on campus.  However, I wasn't hired right off the bat, and had to spend time "proving my worth" to the researcher.  Which I understand...honestly I do.  I think it is unfair, but I understand it at the same time. I agreed to begin the trial period.  I was going to donate my time and work for free for these people to try to change the scores I had repeatedly gotten this semester on my rater reliability so that I could possibly get hired...and I was stressing out I honestly was more stressed this week than I was during finals or during a Divine Comedy week or anything else.  It was awful.  I couldn't concentrate at work, I wasn't doing anything useful, and I f...

What to do...what to do? I have to figure out what to do with my life...do I take on a research opportunity that may or may not pan out that could or could not help me get in to grad school?  Will that overload me even further? Do I graduate in December? Do I do an internship? Do I keep doing all the volunteering that I am ALREADY doing? Can I even find a job once I graduate? What do I do with all of the dreams I have in my head that are not coming true?  Do I hold on to those or do I let them go? How do I accept that my chapter one is not the same as your chapter twenty?  That our lives were always meant to be different and to have different challenges? Someone help me figure it out.

This Spring Term has started out with a bang.  All the roommates moved out...and in moved ONE person.  That means there are only two of us living in our apartment.  My bedroom is bigger than our living room and I am the only person in it.  This would be fine, you know, if new roommate and I actually...I dunno...talked.  But alas, she loves her solitude.  And so my need for human interaction is still being denied. I am realizing as this week is going on that I have reached the tipping point of insignificance.  I can literally come and go and no one will even care.  If I didn't show up at work, there is rarely a time that no one will notice my absence because we are so well staffed this summer. I don't stand out in the looks department...#letsgetrealfolks.  If I did, I would probably, you know, date. But I don't.  And I try to pretend that it doesn't matter.  That it is okay that the nice boys I meet all want to date my friends in...

You guys, I am sorry.  I really am. I feel connected to you in some way.  I get all excited when you read my blog.  And then I go and let you down by not actually blogging. My bad, guys, my bad. I still don't know what I am doing with my life.  No, scratch that.  I know that I am graduating sometime in the next year.  Now I just need to find full time employment so that I can pay for said semesters, for housing, for "The Cranberry" as Psych so inspired me to call my car. Oh, life.  Sometimes I wish that you had a pause button.  So that I could go on more Sunday Springtime Frolics through the meadows of life.  So that I could write on my blog more.  So that I could be a better friend, roommate, sister, and daughter. But, you don't.  It's like...crappy that you don't.  Life keeps moving forward.  People keep moving on.  And I am left here wondering what I am going to do next. Fortunately, there is music. ...

This isn't a success. And blogging about this is really scary for me. I like to pretend like I am invincible.  Like I can take on anything that the world has to throw at me.  " Bring it on World, and I will conquer it!"   Right? Wrong. Guys, I have a deep, ugly, secret that I don't know if I want to share.  I fear that it will make those of you who know me think differently of me, and those of you who don't stop reading this blog here and now.  I like to pretend that we are all the best of friends.  That there are millions of you out there who read this and share it with a friend who is having a down day.  But once I tell you this about myself, I am scared that you won't want to be my friend anymore. You guys, I hate my body. I hate that I look in the mirror and see me...looking fat. Yup.  There it is.  I.am.fat. And I am really insecure about it.

Sometimes life hits you like a ton of bricks.  And you have no idea how you are going to conquer what life has thrown at you or how you are going to find the strength to continue to move forward. You feel alone and afraid and lost and forgotten.  You wonder why Heavenly Father has left you to feel the way that you feel and to be the way that you are.  You wonder why life is as hard as it is. And then Heavenly Father sends people in to your life to help lift that ton of bricks. No joke, this past week was a week of miracles for me.  Of people coming in to my life and being there when I needed a shoulder to cry on or groceries because I had run out of food, or a hug on a bad day. I have never been more aware of the fact that my Heavenly Father is aware of my most basic needs than I am now. It reminds me of these scriptures: D&C 121:7 D&C 122:9 Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am never more of a "success" than I am with my Heavenly Father ...

I know, this seems kind of ironic to be writing about, since this is my blog and well, the only thing I talk about is myself.  Get used to it people, I am realizing more and more that the only thing I actually know HOW to talk about is me. Bryan Regan talks about how there are "me monsters" in the world.  All they want to talk about is how they are better than other people or how their life is harder than other people.  They are one-uppers. I feel like I have become a "me-monster" lately.  All I want to do is talk about why MY day was so great or why I deserve to wallow in self pity more than anyone else does. I feel like I have lost a little of my capacity to be selfless.  Instead, I just want to focus on me and how crappy my life is or how sucky it is that things are not going my way. And that is no fun at all.

Sometimes, I just want time to breathe. Time away from the stress of school, work, life in general where I can just relax. I know this is not very realistic. Life has to move forward.  I have to graduate at some point.  Then I have to go to grad school so that I can live my dreams and become who I want to become. or..not... I don't know anymore.  I don't know where my dreams will take me. But I do know I just want time to breathe.

I feel like this is all I am full of lately.  Lots of tears that I won't shed.  I don't want to appear weak and so I keep all of my tears inside.  I keep everything locked up because I do not want to dump my problems on anyone.  I lock it all in, I shove my pain deep under everything else I am dealing with, and then I face the world. Then there are the fears.  I don't know where I am supposed to live in the Fall.  Not where I want to live, but the place that is going to help me grow as a person, the place that might actually bring some dating opportunities into my life, the place that will bring more friendships and more opportunities for growth.  I have no idea where that is and whether I should move or stay.  Barf. I am afraid of failure.  I am afraid that if I don't graduate with excellent grades, that I will have failed everyone who helped me get to this point in my life.  I am afraid that if I am not able to get in to grad schoo...

You guys...I am realizing a secret dream that is welling up deep inside me.  I don't know when it began to develop, but it is seriously taking over my thoughts sometimes. If I tell you this secret dream, you have to SWEAR you won't laugh. Okay, here goes. I secretly want to be a wedding planner. I know, I know, how realistic is this plan in the land of the Mormons?  Who knows.  But I do know that I want to be able to meet with a Bride and Groom and get to know their personalities and then plan a wedding that fits THEM.  I have watched so many people that I know go through the stress of planning a wedding and I just thing...well, dur, if there were a Mormon Wedding Planner such as moi, there would be a lot less stress for these brides. But I don't know how to do this. So...if you have any ideas, let me know.

Guys, I know.  This is probably going to be a crazy pants post.  The title itself should have clued you in to that one.  If you don't want to read the crazy, go youtube a video of puppies or something. Sometimes, I think God blesses me with illnesses.  Is that weird? I am such a gogogogogogogogogo kind of person.  I rarely if ever take time for myself, rarely relax, rarely even think about doing things for me. But then I get sick.  Whether it is my "blessed" gastroparesis acting up, or it is a cold or the stomach flu, or a sprained ankle, or WHATEVER, my body forces me to slow down.  To take time for me.  To realize that I deserve a break too. Today has been like that.  I was going and going and going, and then I was lying in my bed, reading, and I woke up three hours later.  Guys, I swear I didn't have a cold when I fell asleep.  But now I am all stuffy and sleepy and my throat is scratchy and all the nasty things that come...

I feel like this sometimes. I am Tom Hanks in this instance.  I, lately, have become the worst version of myself.  I see negatives, not positives.  I avoid situations where I have to be positive.  Then I bring my friends down because I am in such a negative space. So, dear void and my friends who fill it, I apologize for the negativity that I have been projecting lately.  For the angry, hate-filled, spiteful things I may have said.  There are a lot of emotions under this anger that I am scared to deal with.  I know they are there.  And I know that I am hiding from them.  I know it is time to stop hiding, but that is scary. So give me one more day.  Give me one more day to be angry and spiteful and see everyone else as a monster and myself as a saint.  Soon, I will begin to try to see the good in the world around me.  But not today.  Just give me today.

Secret confession time: I hate the bouquet toss at wedding receptions.  As a still single twenty-something, it gets more and more obvious as I attend more wedding receptions for friends, relatives, neighbors and the occasional mission buddy that the bouquet toss exists solely to rub in the fact that you are still single. Screw tradition.  That is not what this is all about.  Does it really work that the person who catches the bouquet or garter is suddenly going to be the next person to get married?  Is there a magic marriage fairy that comes and hits you with a pretty stick while you are sleeping after catching said bouquet to get all the boys to want to date you after this life changing event happens?  Apparently so, because we girls, who are normally calm and refined turn into a cage full of starving tigers chasing the one piece of meat that was thrown into the cage to feed us for the next week. I only bring this up because yesterday my brother g...

Have you heard the phrase "When life gives you lemons (insert deep, moving comment or slightly witty comment here)"?  Well, I have a new phrase for you.  One that I have been working on for weeks now. "When life punches you in the face, get up and punch it back.  Preferably in the baby maker because, come on son, we all know that is where it is going to hurt the most" Since when is life about lemons?  There are a million things that you can do with lemons.  You can make a tasty summer drink from them, you can make desserts, you can use them in cleaning supplies, you can probably make some table decoration out of them and then put it on Pinterest for all of your friends to see. However, life is all about getting punched.  Usually in the face.  Never do you expect it.  Never are you walking along in life and thinking "hey, I think today would be a good day to feel completely weighed down by everything that ever was." NO! Instead, you are b...

Have you ever had a bad day?  Like a sincerely knock-down-drag-out I am done facing the world kind of day? Last Friday was a day like that for me.  I was reaching the end of the first week of school, and that is hard enough dealing with new classes and new teachers and the like.  But, added on top of that, I had all sorts of tension building up over all sorts of stupid little things.  Things that I think are a big deal but that anyone else looking in at my situation would see as small and insignificant.  Even looking back, now that these problems are on their way toward resolution, I cannot believe how frustrated I was. But I was frustrated. I was cold.  I was hungry.  I was irritated, stressed and sad.  And I was all sorts of craycray hormonal.  Oh, the joys of being a girl...(LIES) Anyway, I was going about my day and happened to see two amazing people from my Mission.  That brought the total for that week up to 4...which for m...