Finding Hope: My Story

I know, this sounds super sketchy.  You can stop reading here if you want. I am telling you, girl dates are way better than boy dates!! Now, I am not saying that I have any kind of feelings for women in that way.  I am rather partial to men and find them incredibly attractive. However, going on dates with them causes me great anxiety. There is so much to figure out.  Is it really a date, are you just hanging out, should you dress up nice or is dressing down acceptable, if I ask a boy out will he feel intimidated?  On and on and on. However, girl dates are so much easier.  I am pretty sure I have gone on two this week and will have another today.  It goes like this.  I get together with one of my gal pals.  We decide together in advance what we are doing (watching a movie in our pajamas, going to look at the lights at Temple Square, building a blanket fort and talking about the woes of girl-dom).  Then, one of us will say something l...

Sometimes, I stay up waaay past my bedtime. And then I still have to wake up at 6:45...okay, so really I stumble out of bed and into the shower around 7 but you catch my drift...and get ready for work. Then there is the insurmountable task of actually thinking coherent thoughts.  Saying sentences.  Making words come out of my mouth. This is nigh unto impossible for me...which is why I am glad that no one comes in to work until 9.  Thank the heavens.

This week has proved (proven? provolone?) to me that I hate being a girl.  I hate getting all girly and emotional once a month.  I hate feeling like it I will NOT be able to go on if I do not sit down and watch a sappy romance movie that I can cry through the end of, eat way too much chocolate, and whine about how fat I feel. I tell you, being a girl is a curse. Sure, we get to wear cuter clothes than boys and we can paint our nails and grow our hair out longer... But we also have to shave our legs on a VERY regular basis. We feel awkward and insecure and when boys don't talk to us we fall apart.  We listen to music that builds us up when we are down and that makes us feel good even on a good day.  We often live for the compliments that others give to us because we cannot seem to give them to ourselves. I want to be strong.  I want to be confident.  I don't want to feel the urge to throw sharp and pointy objects at people who are in love just...

I have been so overwhelmed lately.  I swear all of my teachers got together in a dark room somewhere before the semester started and conspired together to see how they could make my life as miserable as possible.  Add on top of that the fact that work has been stressful beyond belief right now (maybe they initiated the dark room gathering?)  and I just finished yet another wonderful DC show, and well, I am on explode mode. And I did explode...yesterday...at work...emotionally...in the middle of a meeting...it was awkward for all of us, don't you even worry about it. I am not usually a public cryer.  I like to go find a dark corner and rant and rage and cry it out.  Then I go on in life.  But seriously, TWICE this semester I have had a breakdown in the SAME MEETING at work.  Coincidence?  I think not. So I did the best thing I could think of.  I called my dad, who talked me down off the drop-out-and-start-my-own-freak-show ledge and went...