F.A.T.

Yesterday I felt fat.  Fat and ugly and unwanted and unlovable.

Now, I know what you are going to say...Megan, you are beautiful!  Megan, don't think like that!  Megan, are you pms-ing??

I don't know.  I don't know anymore about any of those things.  But I do know that yesterday I truly had a day where I just wanted to yell at the world until my lungs fell out for making me feel like I was fat.

I KNOW that the only reason I can't find jeans that I like right now is because it is summer and they don't SELL them.  I know this.  But I hate it.  Because I currently don't own any pants.  Just shorts and skirts.

I KNOW that I am a daughter of god of infinite worth.  I know that He loves me more than I can ever imagine.  But sometimes, I forget.

I KNOW that this stupid disease sometimes makes me all bloaty and feel gross-ey, that I have NO control over what is going on inside me other than to eat right (and let's be honest, I could do better.  Dove Chocolate and I may be having a secret love affair...).  I know this because I have been living it for almost a year now.  Which is scary in another sense.  I understand that I have to think of my body differently now because there is a lot that I cannot control.  But that still doesn't help all the time.

I seriously just wanted to cry.  I wanted to curl up on my bed and cry myself to sleep because I had crumbled.  I had, for one day, stopped believing in myself.  I stopped believing that I was good enough.    That I was fun enough.  That I could be someone that someone special could someday love.

It might take me a while to get back to where I want to be.  So if I am a little...hesitant about myself, give me some time.  I know that I am divine, just, sometimes, I forget.

Comments

  1. Kendra AnnJune 30, 2012 at 12:00 AM

    Every woman feels that way sometimes. I know you are much much stronger then those negative thoughts. You rock Megan! Also, I love that last little line you wrote, can I steal it?? :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Megan WJune 30, 2012 at 4:34 PM

    Sure you can!

    ReplyDelete
  3. And it was all yellow...June 30, 2012 at 5:05 PM

    Megan, its okay to feel like that sometimes. It is those days that truly bring the joy out when we're having days completely opposite from that. And just like you know all of those good things about yourself, know one more thing: You will always be good enough. I know how you feel about the 'having someone love me' one day, but know that it's okay. One day it WILL work out. God is just saving the best for last ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. CamilleJune 30, 2012 at 6:55 PM

    Sometimes I feel like that too. It's not exactly the same, but it's similar. It's like you still know the good stuff's there, but you can't feel it, and you hurt all over because you can't feel it. I love you Megan. I know you are divine too, and if you ever need some lovin' to get you through the times when you just can't feel it, let me know!

    ReplyDelete

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