Finding Hope: My Story

Yesterday I felt fat.  Fat and ugly and unwanted and unlovable. Now, I know what you are going to say...Megan, you are beautiful!  Megan, don't think like that!  Megan, are you pms-ing?? I don't know.  I don't know anymore about any of those things.  But I do know that yesterday I truly had a day where I just wanted to yell at the world until my lungs fell out for making me feel like I was fat. I KNOW that the only reason I can't find jeans that I like right now is because it is summer and they don't SELL them.  I know this.  But I hate it.  Because I currently don't own any pants.  Just shorts and skirts. I KNOW that I am a daughter of god of infinite worth.  I know that He loves me more than I can ever imagine.  But sometimes, I forget. I KNOW that this stupid disease sometimes makes me all bloaty and feel gross-ey, that I have NO control over what is going on inside me other than to eat right (and let's be honest, I cou...

Once upon a time I was a missionary (you all remember that story, right?) While I was doing this missionary-thing-part-of-my-life, I got quite the email from my parents.  They told me that one of my younger sisters (I have 5.  Be jealous.), felt ugly.  So ugly in fact that she wanted to cut off all her hair so that she would look like a boy. I cried.  How could my beautiful sister feel this way about herself?  She was nine.  Nine years old and was already facing the same self-esteem crap that we are all going through.  So I got permission from the Mission President to call home.  Just to talk to her.  And tell her how beautiful and amazing and wonderful she is.  And then I started this massive project.  Where I decided that I would make books full of quotes all about how we are daughters of god, how we are great because we are girls, and on and on and on. I started this project over a year ago.  I am determined to finish ...

Lately I have been feeling...well, not such successful thoughts.  Here's why. So, once upon a time I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints .  It was a...hard time for me.  I went out on my mission and got sick with Goob, my infected gallbladder, in December.  When did I get to get rid of Goob?  June.  I apologize to all the companions that I had during that time as I am sure that often I was...less than a ray of sunshine. So I went home for surgery.  Then I recovered and went back to the Washington DC South Mission (Northern Virginia).  And after a few WEEKS I was sick again.  Goob Jr decided to attack my body.  I had no idea what was going on.  I had no idea how to make it stop.  Worse...neither did any of the doctors.  So I came home for good in October. I served for eleven months.  I served as best as I could for eleven months, but still sometimes I still feel like I could have ...

I don't even know how to describe it.  But it is like ever since I had my last torture session  class on Thursday last week...it is like my whole life has been one big...sigh of relief.  Do I still have a final to take?  You bet I do.  Will I pass it?  Who knows?  At this point, I simply cannot bring myself to stress over anything.  I am at peace with the universe.  I have no idea how it came about.  But I am going to enjoy it! In other news, I found some super cute plaid shorts at the store today.  They fill my heart with joy. Do I own any jeans?  Nope.  I keep hoping that by the time Fall starts I will have left my Muggle status behind, learned Transfiguration and be able to turn my cute shorts into pants at will.  Or at least fix the rips and tears in all my jeans that I love but can no longer wear.  One day I will learn magic. However, I guess I should focus on learning how to research first.  Then...

So, by the end of today I will have the research proposal from...well, not heaven...finished. Don't know what a research proposal is? Neither do I. Don't know why I have to write one if I am not going to actually do the research? Yeah, me either. BUT, I will have this done.  Weeeelll...a tentative first draft done by 5:00 today.  So that I can let it simmer for a bit and then tackle it again after FHE. Okay, so my goal is to be finished by 7:00. Because it is due tomorrow by noon. I have loads of time, right? Success...ish