Posts

Grief

Image
 I lost my Grandma this week. And it doesn't matter how many times I remember that she isn't in pain anymore, or that it is easier for her to breathe now, it just hurts. Heart clenching, soul squishing hurt.  I love to call her "Tiny" because truly, she was a tiny, feisty, fiery human being. She loved with her whole soul. And she wasn't afraid to tell you what she thought.  I am lucky enough that my middle name is her name. She would always tell me that she hated her name, and felt bad that we shared it, but I truly cherish that I get to carry a part of her with me every day. I hope I am making her proud of our name, even if she didn't like it. It's hard to think of life without her. Of Christmases without her playing carols on our piano, birthdays without her shaky cursive in my birthday cards. Of fireworks shows without offroading her wheelchair to just the right spot. Hard to know that she isn't just a ten-minute walk away from home anymore. There w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Shattered

My chronic illness struggle isn't a new one.  8 solid years of pain, nausea, blood tests, scopes, try this, change that, no answers.  8 years and you would think I had adapted more to the unexpected.  I'm sitting tonight curled up in pain on my parents' couch.  I wasn't planning on being here.  I was supposed to go to my sister's play tonight.  I spent all day excited to see my sweet sister chase her passions on stage, see her talents shine and see her do what she loves best. I was excited to go to dinner.  To laugh with my family and feel a little normal after a busy week at work.   And then, halfway to my house, my chronic illness decided to rear its ugly head.  I was in tears as I drove, praying I could just make it home and take some medicine.  Sharp, shooting pains.  Waves of nausea. Wishing I could be anywhere that wasn't Redwood Road as I drove further and further from my apartment, from my sweatpants, from anythi...
1 comment
Read more

Weary

Image
I hesitate to even post this because I know there are so many people who have things so much worse than I do.  Cancer, infertility, miscarriage, losing loved ones.  And I just have this dumb chronic illness that has taken over my life. I'm just weary.  I'm bone tired.  I feel like for every step forward I make I stumble ten backwards again.  I feel like a royal screw up most days.  I can't stop living in this month long crisis cycle with my health.  Every time I feel like I've got the pain or nausea managed, something else pops up.  I've had like 4 ovarian cysts rupture just this week. Nothing seems to be going right. Mostly, I feel like an already crunched up fall leaf.  Not one of the ones on the tree, still vibrant with color.  Nope, one that is on the ground, already crunched. I usually try so hard to be positive. To find the good in a person, a situation, a trial. But tonight, I'm just so weary.  I've been strugglin...
1 comment
Read more

Old City

Image
I had the great opportunity to go to Frankfurt for work and see some beautiful hidden gems in a city that is so modern.  So, enjoy some gems of a beautiful little neighborhood in an old city.
Post a Comment
Read more

Goals, what goals?

Am I the only person who struggles with goal setting? I don't even know what it is about setting goals that is so difficult for me.  I think the future just feels like some...way too far away thing. I keep setting goals every year for things I want to accomplish.  For ways that I want to change.  And then the fall rolls around and I always go...Oooooops.  Welp, guess that year of change isn't happening.  Guess that DI donation box will stay in my closet for another week.  Guess I'm not going to yoga again today. Seriously, how do you people stay motivated enough to accomplish goals?  I barely make it home and cook dinner before I need a nap.
Post a Comment
Read more

Ache

Some days I just ache. My back, my knees, my stomach, my feet.  I ache. A cyst ruptures or the weather changes or I stress myself to exhaustion, and I ache. Somehow, the physical aches aren't nearly as hard as the soul-filled ones.  I can push my body to its limits.  I can keep showing up for work when I feel like I have nothing to give.  I can go and go and go.  But an ache that is heart deep?  Somehow that feels so much harder to carry. I ache for the inadequacy I feel most days.  I ache for the life I thought I would have by now.  I ache for the friends I've lost.  I ache for the hurt feelings I may have caused.  I ache in loneliness, in loss, in feeling in my bones that I've somehow missed my chance. How do you heal a heart ache?  What helps soothe that pain?  Is there some mystical thing I've yet to find that will somehow take away that feeling? I don't know.  This isn't even coming out the way I wanted bu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pain

One of the hardest parts of my life right now is the pain I'm in.  So much of it is physical.  Stomach pain so intense I can't sleep, nausea that stops my in my tracks, migraines and so much more.  I'm finding more and more things that I can grin and bear.  Most days, the pain is manageable.  It doesn't last all day, it doesn't slow me down.  I can do my job, I can be a loving daughter and sister, I can be a good friend. Some days, the pain sucks.  It hurts and it's hard but I have to push through it because I don't have any other options.  I show up where I've committed to, I find a way to make things work, and I carve out time for self care. Then, there are weeks like this week.  This week, the pain is bone deep.  It's brain deep.  I can't find it inside of me to be positive anymore.  I feel lumpy and awkward, I miss what my body was before it broke.  I miss being able to wear pants and not be in pain because of a ...
Post a Comment
Read more